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Dog
Dictionary
LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where
you want him/her to go.
DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the
newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly
you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor,
or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close
as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times,
or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You
must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If
you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones
to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To
get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the
bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want
to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running
in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly
calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When
you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until
your owner comes home.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and
down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN:
Every good dogs response to the command "sit!", especially if your person
is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup
of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention
you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best
way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
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